Posts Tagged ‘unfeeling’

Suddenly today I realized, that due to PMDD and recent saddening situations, either my brain itself , or an aspect of my borderline personality build a wall of steel around my heart. A no trespassing sign. An out of order type of flashing red beacon.

I realized that I do not feel anything positive. I’m not even in a bad mood, but I’m also not in a good one.

But this isn’t about mood swings, this is about the anomaly of the things that happen without warning or trying from trust being broken , gut feelings and the attached paranoia winning the race.

I feel no love. I know I love, but I cannot connect to it. There’s a short circuit. How do I learn to do this when I really need it , and not when I’m actually trying to remember what I felt before. It’s bizarre. Maybe it is good timing, as I have been overwhelmed with changing perspective and upheaval of friendships.

It’s so…NEEDED. I’m trusting my brain on this one. I know tomorrow, or the next day ( 1-2 days before the start of my new cycle), I will be crying at the beauty of a flower.

I wonder if this happens to any others. I feel, actually I don’t feel .. I see myself as somewhat of an alien today. Lately. So many thoughts.

I think this is rational mind. I think. I really …just have to trust that the wall is up for a reason and will come down when I’m ready. Very, very strange and hard to describe.

I wonder if this is what people with psychopathy are like all of the time. A disconnect from human love.

I suppose and admit that it worries me.

Thanks for reading.

Cor

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