Posts Tagged ‘emptiness’

Suddenly today I realized, that due to PMDD and recent saddening situations, either my brain itself , or an aspect of my borderline personality build a wall of steel around my heart. A no trespassing sign. An out of order type of flashing red beacon.

I realized that I do not feel anything positive. I’m not even in a bad mood, but I’m also not in a good one.

But this isn’t about mood swings, this is about the anomaly of the things that happen without warning or trying from trust being broken , gut feelings and the attached paranoia winning the race.

I feel no love. I know I love, but I cannot connect to it. There’s a short circuit. How do I learn to do this when I really need it , and not when I’m actually trying to remember what I felt before. It’s bizarre. Maybe it is good timing, as I have been overwhelmed with changing perspective and upheaval of friendships.

It’s so…NEEDED. I’m trusting my brain on this one. I know tomorrow, or the next day ( 1-2 days before the start of my new cycle), I will be crying at the beauty of a flower.

I wonder if this happens to any others. I feel, actually I don’t feel .. I see myself as somewhat of an alien today. Lately. So many thoughts.

I think this is rational mind. I think. I really …just have to trust that the wall is up for a reason and will come down when I’m ready. Very, very strange and hard to describe.

I wonder if this is what people with psychopathy are like all of the time. A disconnect from human love.

I suppose and admit that it worries me.

Thanks for reading.

Cor

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I am speaking for myself , and for the many women and men I’ve met over the last 4 years who’ve been generous enough to share their stories .

Tonight My mind is clear, and I’m thinking straight.

The full moon had me completely disordered and lost ( see yesterdays post), and then I wake up today as normal and can be for me.

The whole day too. What an oddity.

These are the days I tune in deeply to my friends stories ,and their pain.

What similarities do I find within their stories .. what parallels , what jumps out , what have I figured out or been taught in therapy as to why we brood and contemplate living over this one , root cause of our pain which undeniably sets the tone for a life of emotional dysfunction ?

Love.

Beginning with familial, our earliest experience of the emotion.

Most of the time , we are abandoned , unwanted , abused , etc by one or both of our parents. Some worse or more obvious than others.

My story didn’t come to make sense until my thirties, but I digress.

” What is life without love !” , we hear. I often wish this emotion didn’t exist. And I often get my wish and don’t feel anything for anyone. Thanks BPD, sometimes you do something right.

Well, to us with bpd. It is non existent.

Often, we don’t even exist to ourselves if not being intensely cherished by someone we crave , want, wanted, or for any reason.

We don’t even really truly want it if we could easily get it. That’s the twist.

But when we knew someone wants us, wishes for us, thinks about us enough, or a lot , or even pleads for a word from us – we seem to feel quite well.

Why? Because that’s what we missed as children. Our life’s mission is to fill that void.

Some of us don’t make that connection, But I did.

Actually, to the extent of my psychiatrist drawing bone chilling parallels from my partners to my father.

Whether it was emotionally unavailable men, bi polar or psychopathic men, men with similar appearances , men who would use and/or abuse, there was always a tie to the past. Oh, and throw in a woman who was so much like my mother that my sexual connection shorted out.

An unfulfilled wish that quite frankly, would never cease until I understood the complexity , the darkness, but alas the simplicity of the connection.

I just wanted him to love me unconditionally. He was incapable, for reasons I understand now and have forgiven him for.

As an adult , I now know his story , his side , see his growth and willingness to see the pain he caused as an unfit parent for decades.

That, is why my time with the wrong men is over. Thank you ISTPD therapy. Thank you.

Now, I suffer for my friends who beat themselves to a pulp over the perceived or real loss of the current Love interests likelihood of meeting their expectations.

Usually, we attract narcissists and other mentally ill partners. Sometimes the relationship( or lack thereof) would be truly absurd to someone without bpd.

To me, I see it all from the standpoint of a borderline with enough knowledge, experience and understanding of the borderline mind , and the never met needs that we have for the subconsciously chosen unfit love interest.

We just want to be loved unconditionally. That’s ALL. Seems simple. Right?

But guess what, in my experience – a ” regular” guy that had genuine care and interest for me – pfft. Go away. I don’t want you in the slightest. I have actually experienced sick physical reactions to nice men. That comes from a childhood experience that remains unclear.

I’ll go after the psychopath with a girlfriend and take that abuse for 4 years and end up with Stockholm syndrome. Yep. That was my choice.

I’ll make a part two… but perhaps this is enlightening for someone. Remind me, because tomorrow I could be talking gibberish about my addiction and hate for people. Who knows. Only the wicked person behind the borderline wheel.

Thanks for reading,

Cor

Ps- not in the mood to edit. 🙂