Posts Tagged ‘despair’

…Is the knowing that there is no cure , no medication, nor merely a bandaid to put over my furiously rampant monster of illnesses.

I’ve gotten to this point , slowly but steadily. A bumpy and painful decent.

Despair doesn’t always come across in conversation, but it does sit on the back burner in view.

Reading a memoir of journal entries by a courageous man with borderline personality , addiction issues, and major depression is comforting , yet it also triggers the thought that yes, I may struggle for the rest of my life.

In addition, I have a handful more that I’m lucky enough to call part of me, so I’m definitely a goner. Right ?

I am not one to count my illnesses as if it’s a game or a competition, but I can’t help but think .. “I have double the diagnosis as this poor guy. “How am I still alive? ”

And what for? To shun all my friends only to share seemingly random pictures and blogs?

To create some art that stems from the abstract and unusual thinking of my broken mind ?

Well, I guess for now it’s something.

I’ve begun recording every day-my thoughts, emotions, situations, successes and also failures.

I have a recorder on my phone , plenty of space on both of my cameras to make videos ,two ongoing journals ( one for my mental illnesses, and one to record tarot readings of my own and of other readers )

Is my purpose simply to show that one can survive excruciating agony and still be in awe of a new leaf on a plant I started from seed? Or to deeply enjoy such things as a birds song , or the thriving vegan movement I’ve been cheering for for 3 years ?

There is such a dichotomy to my mind. Such confusion and different choices to make over a seemingly mundane tasks. Like, which side of the table should this plant go on?

My illnesses can seem to melt together and actually become me , speak for me , BE me -or , I can sometimes find a slight hole to peek out from and shine for a moment or two.

But one thing is for sure , I never , ever have a full day of consistent mood , thoughts, or actions. I just don’t grasp what that’s like , sadly.

( later that day..)

As I slammed my door with tears streaming from the echoes of my doctors subtle yet clear voice to use what I have learned to ” cope”, the thoughts of driving into the river , or screaming for help in the middle of a parking lot appeared as if they’d been next in line anyway.

I refuted these impulses and grabbed my go to medicine. “Harm reduction”, I thought to myself , well knowing I was lying .

I came home and shut myself in, turned on my go-to , depressing Radiohead station, and with a haunting familiarity, lay motionless on my bed as if to mimic being in the coffin I already felt that I was in.

But then, almost to my chagrin, I decided to think of how loved ones may perceive this. Probably with worry. No, most definitely.

Dbt decided to come into play without my permission, but I granted it just to see…

Then, my day turned around.

Maybe there is hope. Strategy , a distraction strong enough to grab my spinning emotions and have them spill out until it’s just me and my core feeling. Ready to grasp onto even the tiniest of spoken belief that there is always hope.

All this to say, if one person who you love and loves you -despite what you perceive as your innate ” flaws”, can see through the fog to a beautifully talented , inspiring and not so difficult to be around source of joy , then – maybe there is reason to stick around til the crowds clear and everyone is gone. What’s the harm ?

Having cleansed my overflowing volcano of of a heart with tears attached to many different emotions , I feel at ease. Dare I say , content.

What a phenomenon . Maybe I wouldn’t be so lucky if dealt another’s hand. Okay, that’s enough positivity for one blog.

Remember to send love, and kindness if only through your energy to those who need it. You really never know how much they may be on the edge and that love could be the hand that helps them down.

Cor

Note : I will edit this tomorrow, so I apologize to the sticklers for any spelling or grammatical errors.

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Sigh,

It’s one of those eye opening times for me.

You see , I had a traumatic experience back in The winter which left me with zero desire to chase, date, be with sexually ,or pine after anyone. I mean anyone. Funny how something that I was not so long ago addicted to, means absolutely squat to me now.

To the point where if we talk for half a day and the convo is just dropped, I really don’t flinch. Somehow , I stopped caring. I don’t want that anymore.

I feel no need whatsoever to get wrapped up in a ball of sadness, madness, increased symptoms , crying, raging, memories, self destroying , etc- over attaining love.

And for us, as previously stated – it is almost always unattainable. We subconsciously set ourselves up for the fight. For ultimate doom.

Being on the outside , and having many many close people in my world from day to day, suddenly there has been this incoming hurricane of destruction in the lives of so many that I once knew as themselves , forging their way through life like the rest of us. Winning some, losing some.

But I began to notice just how inexplicably blind we become by the idea of love. Of being cared for. Of having that someone , or else we are nothing. We don’t know who the he’ll to be or who we were.

It’s really strange , and I can’t say I’ve felt this way before , but my complete hatred for the idea of love as a borderline has sent me into being quite oppositional and confrontational with these people.

One the one hand, I truly KNOW the experience. But, I also know the likelihood of succeeding to fill our love bucket that has a gaping hole in the bottom.

It’s gotten me down, avoidant , into a lesser type of splitting.

More like sternness. More like – I cannot hear another word about how these criminal animals have RUINED who I know you are. The beautiful person I see outside of bpd.

I simply cannot take in the pain I know they feel and the back and fourth traumatic drama as long as these men are around.

So why, if we have any self reflection at all, and try to be as calm, happy, and cope with this illness the best we can, do we build this lie and beat the horse until it’s skeleton is crushed into dust. Why?

Is it me? Am I now an outside to the idea of finding love because it’s been several months ?

I wish for it to end. I wish to be blunt and cut off any ties as if to say, ” if you continue, I can’t be a part of it “. It’s simply so devastating to see, and it is painful. It’s brutality against oneself. And that’s not what I ever wanted for these beautiful people.

Enough of that. I think I made my point.

My own reality stared at me intensely through my cards today as if to point the finger directly at my weakness. Tell me that it’s over if I continue on my own borderline path of self destruction.

But who am I girl, who am I.

I thank you for reading. Best,

Cory.

Oh, we all know that with bpd we go up and down more than a pogo stick.

When were down, everything is dark. Scary, negative. Unfair. Deserving of hatred.

Then one day, we wake up and think ( well I do ..) – yay!! Sunshine and flowers! I love life and everything that it contains!! Let’s listen to music and dance in the kitchen! Let’s start 20 conversations with people I ADORE ( but hated it felt slighted by yesterday ).

Let me love bomb life, people, and myself. I LOVE MAKEUP AND BEING CREATIVE.

There’s not enough time in the day to enjoy all that I see and have! Omg ! Maybe if I just..prolong this. Stay up super late. Don’t eat because it brings my energy down. Skip my calming meds. I just want to LIVE THIS MOMENT.

Eventually , the crash comes. The trigger hits. The inevitable downfall of everything that was sunny a moment ago, becomes the enemy.

I want to die. I hate them. I hate myself. I’m horrible. I’m not talking to anyone. I want triple my meds. I don’t care if I don’t wake up.

And , this is my cycle. Worst part is, I never know, and can not figure out how to be consistent. It’s a spinning wheel and my mind chooses where the dart lands.

Welcome, to borderline personality disorder.

Cory

Always reminding myself when I have days upon days of anxiety, depression, massive adhd and ocd challenges , and of course – borderline moods and everything that comes at random in the lovely package deal, that I KNOW… this too shall pass. No feeling is final.

After 35 years, when I am in the depths of mental hell, I still cannot believe my own attempt at self comfort. I feel like I am and always have been stuck in the exact feeling I am in. But that’s not true. Why can’t I KNOW, it will come up again. I’ll regain clarity, motivation, joy.

It’s such a bizarre and messed up mental catastrophe , which seems different yet so similar each time – and no matter what people I love reassure me of , I just deeply do not , and I mean outright refuse to consider.

Now that I am back to ” myself ” , I don’t even remember those 4 straight days of anguish and pain.

I suppose there are two sides to every coin. This selective amnesia can actually be of help. I don’t WANT to remember yesterday’s pain. I’m actually forced into mindfulness by squeezing every last drop of good that is my current yet fleeting existence while it lasts.

How long? Only my mind can decide. Or can I? The quest is never ending. But I’m still here. I’m still here.

Bless.

Cor

I would like to know of others with this horrible affliction of the mind who relate to the problems with their interpersonal relationships to the extreme – as I do.

For example –
Feeling like I’m always fighting with people who see me as crazy , being ostracized from the family and friends , feeling like I’m being laughed at , very alone , not having my relationships work out , going back and fourth between lovers because of the love/hate cycle.
Sometimes I’ll even feel sick if a guy likes me too much or gets too clingy, and then do a 180 and chase after him and pick a fight once he actually backs off.
It confuses the hell out of people. If I explain, then I’m just crazy and they move on. I can’t seem to stop these automatic feelings.

I just can’t stay on an even keel with the people in my life. There are far too many things that hurt me or cause a reaction.
I have so few friends and no significant other , because I chew people up and spit them out , make their heads spin and just destroy them until they can’t take it anymore. My ex said that he isn’t the same person he was before he met me. That he never had anxiety or depression until we were together. As if I rubbed off on him or something ..

The worst part is that I don’t even try to do this – it’s just naturally how I feel and behave . Like a child , pretty much.
I have a 6 year old niece , and we act very similar. My family has a good laugh at this , but I am embarrassed.

I wonder if I will ever feel “normal “, and able to have lasting friendships and of course, find the love of my life. If that even exists .
It seems like a fairy tale now.
I’m 30- and feel like I’m running out of time. Luckily I don’t want children, but soon my looks will vanish and my choices will be even more limited !

I’ve been mourning a lot lately , over all of the rejection I face from people who can tell that I have a shitload of baggage.

I want to move away and start fresh where no one knows my history. I have a bad habit of telling men too soon that I have physical pain and depression and anxiety. I definitely don’t tell them I am borderline , or have OCD or addiction.

I’m feeling like a lonely ol’ broke drug addict with pain ,and problems problems problems…baggage galore.

If only there was a pill that made your brain function normally. Anti depressants don’t do it for me. They make me sick, and feel like someone else. That makes me panic. As much as I despise my mind, I know it well and don’t want to feel like I am not me.

The sheer amount of diagnosis’ I have are enough to keep anyone and everyone away. No one wants to get involved with a hot mess . I seem to be good for sex and friendship , but that’s all.

Peace and love ,

MI

A thought is just a thought.
But when you say it , it becomes real.

I am not happy or proud of where I am today.
I am proud of myself for enduring and rising above serious pain and mental illness, for sure – but I don’t choose these afflictions. All the times I have felt that I had no hope left , I always found the flickering light ;a single burning ember to make a flame again.

I have no money. I have no debt, but I have no money. I live beyond my means sometimes – because I want to be able to eat the food I like , and drive a reliable car. My apartment is tiny , but I live alone because I am very introverted and private.

I am a drug addict – I think we have covered this aspect of my life thoroughly.

I can’t say that I never saw it coming. I’ve always had the ” addictive personality “.
My family saw it coming as well, since I am mentally unstable , and I could be generalizing here , but I’m sure that there is a line drawn between the two. A strong connection, at least.

I’m single at age 30.
I’ve had three long term relationships , but all have failed , largely due to my mental illness. My bpd in particular. The depression also tends to wear people down. I can get pretty crazy, possessive ,and untrusting. My whole world becomes about my partner.

Being borderline , I don’t feel like I have an identity without someone in my life. I’ve never been someone who has a lot of hobbies and enjoys being on to go and planning things to do all of the time , so this probably makes me seem more frightening to my boyfriends when I just kinda wait around for them to be available. I am always ready to hang out. I get attached quickly. I always try to change the person I’m with, to get then to see more like I see, to be an obsessively clean person , to be as emotional as I am , to be a mind reader and just know what I want them to say and do. I guess I’m never satisfied.
I’m Always bored. I now see the relationship between between my addictions and my lovers.
Always wanting more. Searching for something or someone to fill this empty space inside me.
I don’t know that I will ever find someone right for me. I keep going back to the one that still comes back to me.
How could I be confident when meeting someone new ,when I have this full time job of looking after myself.
There is a childishness to me , and I think I’m attracted to emotionally unavailable men.
My father was not always around when I grew up.
From a young age , he was always on the road for business , and I am not entirely sure that he wanted kids , especially girls. He had two.
When he was in the mood, he was great with us. He took care his girls.
But overall, my mother raised us. Stay at home mom. She still stays at home , in her little OCD world of strict , to -the -minute routines , and narrow view of the world.
I feel resentment towards her for passing along the OCD gene /learned behaviour , as I try to fight my way out of my own restricted , obsessive thought patterns.

I still don’t know what I want to do with my life. I have hemmed and hawed over the question so many times and come up with absolutely nothing feasible.
After finishing high school, I spent years not working , being depressed, and playing video games in my room.
I always felt that I had tons of time to figure it all out.
I started my own housekeeping business at 21. I still have that business.
Sounds better than it is. I don’t have employees or even a business card.
I just have customers here and there that I make a few bucks from.
I did it full time until I got tired of it and started working at a health food store to learn something new.
After studying the field for a while , and going through the whole ” everything is bad for you- eat this 8$ loaf of gluten free bread and take these $50 vitamins ” stage , I grew tired of it and quit .
My chronic pain was at and all time high , and I simply couldn’t be on my feet for that long anymore.
I dropped down to just cleaning part time , and applied for disability. I got denied twice , and have recently reapplied. I am more hopeful and confident this time , having all of the supporting evidence for my illnesses that I lacked in my first application.

It’s been terribly hard financially ever since. I’ve had to rely on my wealthy father and the government for about a year now.

So overall- I am single , broke , and broken.

I am desperate for a positive change to catapult me in the right direction.

I have a gardening service that I started last year that did pretty well. That will start up in a month or so- and I’m looking forward to it – although I fear that my physical pain will be limiting.

I wish I didn’t have to go it alone .
I thought I had found Mr. Right, but that was just one more disappointment in my life . It’s really unfortunate , because we had begun setting up our future, and still love each other to death.

It takes everything I have , every single day, not to focus on this long list of cons in my life.
It could always be worse I suppose.

In the meantime , while I wait for a miracle , I will take another pill and banish the thoughts that tend to pull me under the waves and try to drown me.

At least I have an extremely loving family with whom I am very close to and owe the world to. There is always something to be grateful for.

MI