Posts Tagged ‘ADD’

…Is the knowing that there is no cure , no medication, nor merely a bandaid to put over my furiously rampant monster of illnesses.

I’ve gotten to this point , slowly but steadily. A bumpy and painful decent.

Despair doesn’t always come across in conversation, but it does sit on the back burner in view.

Reading a memoir of journal entries by a courageous man with borderline personality , addiction issues, and major depression is comforting , yet it also triggers the thought that yes, I may struggle for the rest of my life.

In addition, I have a handful more that I’m lucky enough to call part of me, so I’m definitely a goner. Right ?

I am not one to count my illnesses as if it’s a game or a competition, but I can’t help but think .. “I have double the diagnosis as this poor guy. “How am I still alive? ”

And what for? To shun all my friends only to share seemingly random pictures and blogs?

To create some art that stems from the abstract and unusual thinking of my broken mind ?

Well, I guess for now it’s something.

I’ve begun recording every day-my thoughts, emotions, situations, successes and also failures.

I have a recorder on my phone , plenty of space on both of my cameras to make videos ,two ongoing journals ( one for my mental illnesses, and one to record tarot readings of my own and of other readers )

Is my purpose simply to show that one can survive excruciating agony and still be in awe of a new leaf on a plant I started from seed? Or to deeply enjoy such things as a birds song , or the thriving vegan movement I’ve been cheering for for 3 years ?

There is such a dichotomy to my mind. Such confusion and different choices to make over a seemingly mundane tasks. Like, which side of the table should this plant go on?

My illnesses can seem to melt together and actually become me , speak for me , BE me -or , I can sometimes find a slight hole to peek out from and shine for a moment or two.

But one thing is for sure , I never , ever have a full day of consistent mood , thoughts, or actions. I just don’t grasp what that’s like , sadly.

( later that day..)

As I slammed my door with tears streaming from the echoes of my doctors subtle yet clear voice to use what I have learned to ” cope”, the thoughts of driving into the river , or screaming for help in the middle of a parking lot appeared as if they’d been next in line anyway.

I refuted these impulses and grabbed my go to medicine. “Harm reduction”, I thought to myself , well knowing I was lying .

I came home and shut myself in, turned on my go-to , depressing Radiohead station, and with a haunting familiarity, lay motionless on my bed as if to mimic being in the coffin I already felt that I was in.

But then, almost to my chagrin, I decided to think of how loved ones may perceive this. Probably with worry. No, most definitely.

Dbt decided to come into play without my permission, but I granted it just to see…

Then, my day turned around.

Maybe there is hope. Strategy , a distraction strong enough to grab my spinning emotions and have them spill out until it’s just me and my core feeling. Ready to grasp onto even the tiniest of spoken belief that there is always hope.

All this to say, if one person who you love and loves you -despite what you perceive as your innate ” flaws”, can see through the fog to a beautifully talented , inspiring and not so difficult to be around source of joy , then – maybe there is reason to stick around til the crowds clear and everyone is gone. What’s the harm ?

Having cleansed my overflowing volcano of of a heart with tears attached to many different emotions , I feel at ease. Dare I say , content.

What a phenomenon . Maybe I wouldn’t be so lucky if dealt another’s hand. Okay, that’s enough positivity for one blog.

Remember to send love, and kindness if only through your energy to those who need it. You really never know how much they may be on the edge and that love could be the hand that helps them down.

Cor

Note : I will edit this tomorrow, so I apologize to the sticklers for any spelling or grammatical errors.

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A match made in hell.

7-10 days out of every month where you lose yourself to your hormones , your weaknesses , cry over spilled (nut)milk, feel like you are coming down with every illness , fatigued, brain fog, irritable, likely to lash out , not likely to stay in wise mind , likely to self medicate ( to the point of accidental OD) simply from someone you cared for stabbing you in the heart with one sentence , complete loss of control you felt just days ago, worsening on all your mental illnesses, body aches , pains, headaches,cramping,excessive binging ,weepiness, and more.

As if we with bpd and co morbid illnesses need a guarantee every month to be thrown into constant tests of strength , fight for ownership over our mind and body, and loss of motivation.

This is the week that I’m likely to spiral and have dramatic sudden breakdowns and failures. I’m never prepared. And I’m always fearful.

Sometimes complete solitude and fetal position are required as the clock ticks waiting for day one of my cycle to begin.

Love to other women who suffer immensely due to their hormones, PMS and PMDD plus mental illness.

I understand.

Cor

What a gorgeous day all around. I woke with the sunrise (455), got up, sat outside with my garden and incense , and began improving my vegetable garden.

I felt good. No need to mood boosters or the fight to destroy mood drops. It’s actually easier than taking a pill. If you focus hard enough on your goals and what you love, you can escape the trap of chaos and begin to step into your power

I did a tarot reading, with a high spirit and glee. Funny enough, my cards reflected ending my old way of life, and following my new path to happiness. A complete change is just what I needed.

With this change , which began on the full moon May 29th, I felt a strong need to be assertive and stand my ground with people like my old landlord ( long story), or people who have kept me wrapped up in anxiety and disrespecting me . Leo’s aren’t fond of that. I’m not fond of things that are morally wrong ( not at all saying I haven’t gone down that path), and just bask in the guidance that I’ve been given the gift of feeling with my entire self.

I spent a lot of time with my parents , and really using my dbt without noticing , except for that there have been zero fights since I moved back closer to them. I cherish my family. I CAN move past my upbringing.

I know my strengths , and I will use them, without the noise of doubt or repeating old cycles.

I really feel like I have gained self respect, and let go of ideals and things that I once held dear.

It really is a huge shift and the universe is propelling me into my next chapter. I hope I remember this feeling tomorrow.

I can only hope my upcoming PMDD won’t suck me back into the pits and darkness of my mental illnesses.

However , I’ve done it a thousand times and survived. So, I will be confident that I will again.

Thanks for reading ,

Your borderline gal,

Cor

Over time , I’ve become a stranger to myself. Every day, is a brand new life. I remember what I have to do, I remember what I own , my friends , etc – but what I don’t know is how I’m going to be, or…when I will be that way…

A year ago ,I wouldn’t have said this.

I was running 3 YouTube channels and answering every comment.

I was working , without any personal life issues melting into my professional life. That’s not the case these days. I contemplate hospitalization and suicide more than ever.

1-2 years ago I was doing private readings all weekend.

I pretty much knew my routine , knew a lot.

I didn’t realize how stable I was, until now. And I thought I had it bad then. Is this my fate? My fault? The lack of psychiatric care?

I’m unrecognizable. I’ve lost all sense of self. I change sometimes from minute to minute. My addictions , obsessions , compulsions and disorders mould one massive ghost hanging over me, releasing parts of itself at random.

I have to deal. I have to survive what’s thrown at me. All the whole remaining a friendly face to the world. Remembering who I am to them.

Right now, I don’t trust anyone. I don’t even trust my own feelings. My behaviour since being brutally attacked and bullied and abused over the last few years has done something permanent to me.

Especially since November 17′. I’ve spiralled frequently.

I take dangerous amounts of downers without a second thought. I drift through the day floating on empty and going through the motions of the life I vaguely remember my plan for.

Sometimes I click in. Ahh, there I am. I’m funny , I’m creative and have brilliant plans for the future. If I could take a video of those moments and watch them days later , it would be like watching a distant twin speaking another language.

I worry often that I’m suffering from more than my 5 diagnosis.

I worry that 8 medications is criminal. I worry about worrying.

I apparently binge eat now. I just… don’t care. Days like this I dissociate and enjoy not feeling like this is my life.

I don’t know what else to do to make it. But every morning I wake up, and I take on the fucking challenge.

Cor

Always reminding myself when I have days upon days of anxiety, depression, massive adhd and ocd challenges , and of course – borderline moods and everything that comes at random in the lovely package deal, that I KNOW… this too shall pass. No feeling is final.

After 35 years, when I am in the depths of mental hell, I still cannot believe my own attempt at self comfort. I feel like I am and always have been stuck in the exact feeling I am in. But that’s not true. Why can’t I KNOW, it will come up again. I’ll regain clarity, motivation, joy.

It’s such a bizarre and messed up mental catastrophe , which seems different yet so similar each time – and no matter what people I love reassure me of , I just deeply do not , and I mean outright refuse to consider.

Now that I am back to ” myself ” , I don’t even remember those 4 straight days of anguish and pain.

I suppose there are two sides to every coin. This selective amnesia can actually be of help. I don’t WANT to remember yesterday’s pain. I’m actually forced into mindfulness by squeezing every last drop of good that is my current yet fleeting existence while it lasts.

How long? Only my mind can decide. Or can I? The quest is never ending. But I’m still here. I’m still here.

Bless.

Cor

So, some non Borderlines may not know that yes , we often and for some constantly split on ourselves .

I made a video about this in my past life on YouTube.

What splitting on ourselves looks like :

” you’re a fucking failure ”

” you’re a waste of air ”

” you’re better off dead. ”

” I’m insane. Awful. Pitiful. Ugly. Unworthy. Unwanted. Etc ”

” I don’t want to hurt them, I want to hurt/kill me ”

” I don’t deserve anything good ”

” I am a fraud , a narc , and everything everyone I’ve ever known has called me”

I think you get the point.

Do we idolize ourselves you ask? Well, for some – perhaps. For others, perhaps never. No borderline is the same. We all have different lives , pasta and problems, AND different concurrent disorders.

Personally , when I’m hypo manic, I have complete faith in myself and confidence that I can do this ( live ).

I find those ” moods” to be precious, and I constantly wish to be in that place. But alas, it passes and our baseline returns. Whatever that looks like to each one. I can only speak for myself.

Thanks for reading.

Cory

Cory

Today I woke up, feeling really calm, and ..dare I say ” normal”. I’m not used to this. I’m either immediately anxious, dreading being alive, or my persona fav- hypomanic.

It’s so strange, when we get the the state of mind that we pray and wish for constantly.

It’s so foreign, yet also something that we can turn into a fear by simply thinking ” when will this mood change /how long can I hold on to this ?”, and sometimes..” how can I create the chaos I’ve learned so well to cope in ( well, maybe not ..)

Truth is, it feels dull. Boring.

What addictive behaviour can I turn to ? How can I stir something up with so and so ?, for example.

I wonder when I will be comfortable in a state that I’ve cried and cried and nearly died for not having in my reach.

One of the many mysteries that perplexed me, and really makes me wonder if I do create all of my own trauma and drama.

Side note :There needs to be a word that combines those two.

Anyway, I’m going to go see what mischief I can create,I’m guessing.

I joke that ” ya, in an hour I’ll be suicidal ” hah… unfortunately , we know that we cannot hold onto normalcy for very long.

As for my adhd being calm today, perhaps I can actually accomplish something from my list of thousands of ideas, goals, plans, and must do’s. But for once , I don’t want lists, I don’t want to rush, I want to tune out and sit in this feeling, while I have it -even though, if I knew why it’s happened, I would be free.

TBC ….Cor

Empathy , compassion, grace, understanding , no judgement , dynamic , feeling, amazing, talented, brilliant, beautifully broken but surviving.

I could not go on without the people I have been destined to share my day to day struggle , failure and successes ( no matter the size ) with.

I am so fortunate, and grateful. Yes , idolizing perhaps. But truthfully do NOT split on them.

Forever indebted . πŸ™πŸ˜˜πŸŒŸ

BPD is so emotionally exhausting. Our bodies cycle through extremes all the time.

After last nights childhood trigger , breakdown, and coping , I got 7 hours of sleep yet feel so blah.

However ,I’m finding that when I’m depleted of my usual ADHD hyper super productive yet constantly challenging mornings, I am less likely to react , and more likely to be wiser, less moody, etc.

I am determined to overcome this incredibly draining illness. I have faith. Always. πŸ’ͺπŸ»πŸ’–

” This Too Shall Pass”

” No feeling is final ”

Words to live by.

Cory

This was sent to me late last night by an angel of a friend across the world. Validation, and comfort in one picture. πŸ˜‡πŸŒŸπŸŒ™πŸ™

As I seem to have reached the bottom lately , I did some good hard thinking on how I can start treating some of my disorders.
I don’t want to add more prescriptions to my 5 a day, so having a background in holistic nutrition is coming in handy while I comprise a plan.

I won’t go into detail, but basically I am focusing on treating my ADD and OCD.
They are SO bothersome and intrusive.
I would love to be able to think clearly , without repetitive, anxious thoughts , constant distraction and feelings of boredom and irritability/restlessness.

I’m heading over to Bulk Barn ( our natural health food shop in Canada)- to see which of the supplements on my list I can find
These include
inositol , b12, p5p or b6, GABA , and 5 htp.

I will have to run it by my pharmacist to ensure that I don’t have any complications with my pain meds.
Many of these act on neurotransmitters, and I’m already on a benzo and a tricyclic anti depressant for pain.
Hopefully in time I can get off of these.
I have plans to control my addiction with the use of suboxone as well.
Just trying to work up the nerve to go I to withdrawal again .
This is an unfortunate necessary effort in beginning addiction treatment.

I know that OCD and ADD are all tied I to my addiction and mood swings.
I am feeling hopeful and excited to give these a try.
I can’t afford it , but I also can’t afford to be suicidal and out of my mind.

This really is a matter of life and death.

I also got an offer to adopt my friends cat for a while , until her baby grows up and is out of a crib.
They had a close call with the cat nearly smothering her while sleeping. 😦
I’ve wanted a furry companion for years now.

Things are looking up.
Wish me luck!!