Archive for the ‘Pain’ Category

…Is the knowing that there is no cure , no medication, nor merely a bandaid to put over my furiously rampant monster of illnesses.

I’ve gotten to this point , slowly but steadily. A bumpy and painful decent.

Despair doesn’t always come across in conversation, but it does sit on the back burner in view.

Reading a memoir of journal entries by a courageous man with borderline personality , addiction issues, and major depression is comforting , yet it also triggers the thought that yes, I may struggle for the rest of my life.

In addition, I have a handful more that I’m lucky enough to call part of me, so I’m definitely a goner. Right ?

I am not one to count my illnesses as if it’s a game or a competition, but I can’t help but think .. “I have double the diagnosis as this poor guy. “How am I still alive? ”

And what for? To shun all my friends only to share seemingly random pictures and blogs?

To create some art that stems from the abstract and unusual thinking of my broken mind ?

Well, I guess for now it’s something.

I’ve begun recording every day-my thoughts, emotions, situations, successes and also failures.

I have a recorder on my phone , plenty of space on both of my cameras to make videos ,two ongoing journals ( one for my mental illnesses, and one to record tarot readings of my own and of other readers )

Is my purpose simply to show that one can survive excruciating agony and still be in awe of a new leaf on a plant I started from seed? Or to deeply enjoy such things as a birds song , or the thriving vegan movement I’ve been cheering for for 3 years ?

There is such a dichotomy to my mind. Such confusion and different choices to make over a seemingly mundane tasks. Like, which side of the table should this plant go on?

My illnesses can seem to melt together and actually become me , speak for me , BE me -or , I can sometimes find a slight hole to peek out from and shine for a moment or two.

But one thing is for sure , I never , ever have a full day of consistent mood , thoughts, or actions. I just don’t grasp what that’s like , sadly.

( later that day..)

As I slammed my door with tears streaming from the echoes of my doctors subtle yet clear voice to use what I have learned to ” cope”, the thoughts of driving into the river , or screaming for help in the middle of a parking lot appeared as if they’d been next in line anyway.

I refuted these impulses and grabbed my go to medicine. “Harm reduction”, I thought to myself , well knowing I was lying .

I came home and shut myself in, turned on my go-to , depressing Radiohead station, and with a haunting familiarity, lay motionless on my bed as if to mimic being in the coffin I already felt that I was in.

But then, almost to my chagrin, I decided to think of how loved ones may perceive this. Probably with worry. No, most definitely.

Dbt decided to come into play without my permission, but I granted it just to see…

Then, my day turned around.

Maybe there is hope. Strategy , a distraction strong enough to grab my spinning emotions and have them spill out until it’s just me and my core feeling. Ready to grasp onto even the tiniest of spoken belief that there is always hope.

All this to say, if one person who you love and loves you -despite what you perceive as your innate ” flaws”, can see through the fog to a beautifully talented , inspiring and not so difficult to be around source of joy , then – maybe there is reason to stick around til the crowds clear and everyone is gone. What’s the harm ?

Having cleansed my overflowing volcano of of a heart with tears attached to many different emotions , I feel at ease. Dare I say , content.

What a phenomenon . Maybe I wouldn’t be so lucky if dealt another’s hand. Okay, that’s enough positivity for one blog.

Remember to send love, and kindness if only through your energy to those who need it. You really never know how much they may be on the edge and that love could be the hand that helps them down.


Note : I will edit this tomorrow, so I apologize to the sticklers for any spelling or grammatical errors.


Empathy , compassion, grace, understanding , no judgement , dynamic , feeling, amazing, talented, brilliant, beautifully broken but surviving.

I could not go on without the people I have been destined to share my day to day struggle , failure and successes ( no matter the size ) with.

I am so fortunate, and grateful. Yes , idolizing perhaps. But truthfully do NOT split on them.

Forever indebted . 🙏😘🌟

Consistent Chaos

Posted: May 17, 2018 in Addiction, BPD, Pain
Tags: , , , , ,

Why must every day meet me with a minfield of  triggers that I can’t see until they explode in my face and send me to deep places of shame, hate, resentful, tears and pain.

Just one normal day. A semblance even. Maybe I’m the problem. It can’t always be everyone else.


Dbt can wait. I wish to stay in this misery, only if for one more nights.


#bpd #borderlinelife#triggers#perpetualchaos

You know those pivotal moments people talk about that arise in ones life – that moment where everything makes sense , and hope is found?

I believe today is that day for me.

After a brief frustration and halt in my short term intensive psychodynamic therapy with my brilliant psychiatrist- he called me into his office to discuss his conclusions after reviewing the videotapes of my previous 8-9 sessions.

I had mentioned a rather volatile and extremely mentally/emotionally abusive long relationship that I had with a man that I will call Joe.

Joe put me down like it was his job. His attitude towards me was either completely dismissive and punishing , or entirely ( seemingly) loving.
He flipped back and fourth between these two extremes for many years.
He would threaten me, make me feel unwelcome in our home, disregard my depression and physical pain, call me every degrading and insulting name in the book, etc.
I seldom left, but I always came back.

He cheated on me multiple times with the girl that he cheated on with me.
I still took him back.
You see- I grew up resenting my father for being emotionally and physically absent during a rather tough time he was having. I didn’t like the way he talked to my mother , and his anger outbursts left me scared of him. He never hit us, or abused us in any way.

What has been explained to me by my psychiatrist is that I developed an unconscious hate for my father – and sought relationships with emotionally unavailable men my whole life.
I endured their abuse, neglect, and lack of affection as I persisted on getting them to love me completely.
I would punish them, then feel great sadness and regret.
Thus, my bpd behaviours were born and kept alive.

This relationship with ” Joe” was an extension of my relationship with my father. He even looked like him.
The more I buried my sadness about Joe, and the worse he treated me, the more rage I had ,and ultimately suppressed.
Thus began the onset of my physical pain that has no known cause to date.

The only way out of my self defeating , painful existence is the release of my murderous rage towards psychopathic Joe ( my psychiatrist literally dX him that just today), and then the passage of guilt for psychologically wanting to kill my father.

It is so complex , and so upsetting to know that these two men set the path to many many years of self hate and pain.

I am now confident that I understand my complex behaviours, feelings, and need to carry on with this incredible therapy.

The bottom line that I want to share with you all, is to dig deep into your past and consider that today’s suffering CAN be figured out, and healed.
Medications and drugs were never the answer for me, and this discovery only reinforces that notion.
We must trace our suffering to the inner child who is still crying out for help and longing for true emotional closeness.


Okay- so I have noticed some new followers and comments on my blog , and really need to start writing again !
My apologies.

For the whole month of July , my gardening business was extremely busy. One new customer after another.
While that was fantastic from a financial standpoint , I completely wore myself and my mother out.
I experienced burnout – and had to ale some time off.
I completely fell apart – not only physically , but mentally.
I ended up spending about 8 days straight with a good male friend of mine who I’ve known for about 7 years.
It was probably the most memorable week of my life. It was just amazing.

He was really going through a rough time himself – and would really only talk to me.
I felt that I could help him with his state of mind and to understand the girl he’s been after for years , because I am convinced that she’s also borderline.

At the beginning , he talked about her non stop. I could barely get a word in edge wise. It had completely taken him over.
Each day I went back over , and both of is worked on some issues , and talked them all out. I had been pining over someone who would not commit to me either , so there were some similarities there.
We both felt drained of self worth, and my anxiety was off the charts. E talked me through MANY attacks . I have to say that no one has been able to handle them as well as he did. I’m trying now to use his advice when I feel that way. I’ll also be talking to my doctor about increasing my dose of benzodiazepines , or switching to Ativan. It’s faster acting .
My painkiller abuse was as bad as it has ever been, so he helped me to gain some self control over that.
To make a long , emotional , and wonderful story short – by the end of the week it was my 31st birthday. He showered me with gifts , and treated me like a queen. He said he felt better than he had in forever , and was so completely grateful for my company and input. Together , we conquered so much , and our friendship and love for each other grew.
We agreed that it was the best week we could remember , and that it was exactly what we needed.
I have to mention that not once did he even try to make a pass at me. He kissed my cheek once ! I found that amazing. It was cute because our glasses clanked together and we both became awkward. He said that he could not possibly love me any more than he does , and I feel the same. But , we are not jumping into anything just yet. Will let things go at their own pace. I am completely content with remaining close friends. Maybe that’s all it’s supposed to be ! Not worried. : )

Up until that week,I was convinced that I was only good for my body.
My self worth and esteem was so low, that I let people walk all over me. I felt that my illnesses were something that nobody would want to deal with , and my positive attributes went Unnoticed .No more. Now I know that I am worthy of love.

Now we are practically inseperable. Not once have we argued – which is amazing considering the amount of time we spent together !
He’s gone away this weekend , and it’s probably good to have some space.
We have some ” dates” planned down the road. Spas,comedy clubs , etc.
I feel that he’s the best friend I never had. So cliche , I know.

I’ve managed to control my addiction to an extent. I was using a large amount of the strongest painkiller allowed , and now I am actually below what I’m prescribed.

I am still having trouble with mood swings and strong emotional reactions. I wish I could control my moods better. They still dictate and rule my life.
My father has suggested that I see a professional psychologist. I have needed one for many years .
The last one I saw didn’t put the pieces together and diagnose my BpD, so I stopped going after about 5 sessions because I didn’t feel that it was useful.

Now that I know I need dialectical behavioural therapy, we are looking for a trained psychologist who is willing to work with borderline patients with concurrent disorders . I’m waiting for a callback .

I am also going to a place called Nutrichem- where they take detailed bloodwork , and create custom supplements for your needs specifically. They also do pain management. Creams , amino acid therapy, etc.
I’ve only gone the pharmaceutical route because it’s covered by my drug plan .. But now my dad OR my ” friend” ( the one I spent all that time with), is going to pay. He is extremely generous with people he cares about. He probably spent around 5-700 dollars on me that week!

As far as gluten goes – I am very confused ! I was pain free for a few weeks – and it was bliss. But , I was also using too much pain medication :/
I ran out early and decided to try getting off of the meds and onto an opiate replacement therapy.
Bad choice.
The pain returned 10 fold , and I pretty much overdosed twice in a week- because sleep was my only reprieve. I didn’t want to die , but couldn’t bear the pain. I got back on fentanyl patches and the pain subsided. It hasn’t returned since.
So- I try to avoid gluten still, but not as strictly as before.

I have been denied disability supports again. I am very very upset about this. I had so much documentation and support from many specialists .
They still do not consider me disabled .
I guess that having 5 diagnosed mental illnesses and disabling chronic widespread nerve pain is no big deal.

So I must continue being on welfare , and working part time as a gardener and cleaner.
It could be worse. I do have support from family , and a lot of credit. Not very much debt either. Luckily I am not an impulsive shopper. I am not a good saver , but I always pay bills first and then spend what little is left on entertainment.

I hope to make a few entries a week again.
I welcome comments! Thanks so much for reading 🙂


I haven’t been suicidal or depressed since I started looking after my friends cat. I can keep her indefinitely if I want. They had to keep her out of the house because of their newborn . They found the cat sleeping on her face in the crib. A little dangerous :/
I’m a huge cat lover – always have been.
This little furballs name is Angel, and I think she might be mine.
She has so much affection and love to give. Not stand -offish like other cats can be.
She wants to be around me all of the time. : )
She greets me when I wake up, and settles in beside me when I go to sleep.
I feel less alone , and really enjoy having her here.
I guess it’s true what they say- animals really are therapeutic : )

I started my gardening service yesterday. My ADD kicked in, and after a few hours I was ready to go home. I can’t work on the same area for more than 10 minutes before needing to change spots.
My body ached, and I wanted to be somewhere that I could get some morphine into my system fast.

I’m more stiff and sore than usual today. I am definitely asking my pain doc for stronger meds on the 12th,or else this is going to be a very long summer..
Wish me luck.

MI ( and Angel). : )

I would like to know of others with this horrible affliction of the mind who relate to the problems with their interpersonal relationships to the extreme – as I do.

For example –
Feeling like I’m always fighting with people who see me as crazy , being ostracized from the family and friends , feeling like I’m being laughed at , very alone , not having my relationships work out , going back and fourth between lovers because of the love/hate cycle.
Sometimes I’ll even feel sick if a guy likes me too much or gets too clingy, and then do a 180 and chase after him and pick a fight once he actually backs off.
It confuses the hell out of people. If I explain, then I’m just crazy and they move on. I can’t seem to stop these automatic feelings.

I just can’t stay on an even keel with the people in my life. There are far too many things that hurt me or cause a reaction.
I have so few friends and no significant other , because I chew people up and spit them out , make their heads spin and just destroy them until they can’t take it anymore. My ex said that he isn’t the same person he was before he met me. That he never had anxiety or depression until we were together. As if I rubbed off on him or something ..

The worst part is that I don’t even try to do this – it’s just naturally how I feel and behave . Like a child , pretty much.
I have a 6 year old niece , and we act very similar. My family has a good laugh at this , but I am embarrassed.

I wonder if I will ever feel “normal “, and able to have lasting friendships and of course, find the love of my life. If that even exists .
It seems like a fairy tale now.
I’m 30- and feel like I’m running out of time. Luckily I don’t want children, but soon my looks will vanish and my choices will be even more limited !

I’ve been mourning a lot lately , over all of the rejection I face from people who can tell that I have a shitload of baggage.

I want to move away and start fresh where no one knows my history. I have a bad habit of telling men too soon that I have physical pain and depression and anxiety. I definitely don’t tell them I am borderline , or have OCD or addiction.

I’m feeling like a lonely ol’ broke drug addict with pain ,and problems problems problems…baggage galore.

If only there was a pill that made your brain function normally. Anti depressants don’t do it for me. They make me sick, and feel like someone else. That makes me panic. As much as I despise my mind, I know it well and don’t want to feel like I am not me.

The sheer amount of diagnosis’ I have are enough to keep anyone and everyone away. No one wants to get involved with a hot mess . I seem to be good for sex and friendship , but that’s all.

Peace and love ,


Yesterday morning I had chest pains , which I ignored. I’ve had heartburn recently every day ,which I never used to have.
I have been eating a lot of junk lately due to my tricyclic antidepressant that causes a massive appetite increase and sugar cravings.
And of course , loneliness and stress make me turn to comfort food. Not vegetables.
I went Into sweats twice yesterday , and had indigestion last night before bed.
My teeth have hurt for months – probably from clenching my jaw during sleep, but also a sign of heart trouble I read. :/

My mental state was declining as the night went on, and I took a variety of pills for pain and anxiety.

I drifted off , and awoke from a nightmare an hour later with serious heartburn. My chest was on fire , and I was sweating and panicked. Luckily I had a potent antacid in my arsenal.

I nearly called an ambulance , but I was so tired , and couldn’t imagine sitting in the emergency department only to be told that I’m under
tremendous stress, to quit smoking and clean up my diet, and exercise more. I know this already, but depression makes it so difficult to get motivated.
You just want to self soothe and indulge.

I fell back asleep and was fine this morning ( heart wise )
Now I’m in a mixed state – anxious, yet fatigued , concerned , and upset.
Thank God that my pain isn’t bad.

I got in a massive fight with a friend to boot.
This is the second fight I’ve had this week with a girlfriend.
Then I get a tense email from my mom about our summer gardening business.

Upon doing our first assessment of the year, we were already fighting.
I won’t get Into it. She is 60 years old with no business experience and OCD ( very rigid, inflexible thinking- hmmm a little like yours truly !)
She is very defensive and unable to change.

Just seems that things are all around terrible still.

I prayed for death last night. I wanted to die peacefully in my sleep. But alas, I woke up to the same nightmare.

I’m at a loss. I just don’t know how to cope with all of this anymore.

Everywhere I turn , I hit a wall.
I’m going at it alone. Can’t stress out my family , and I have no partner to shoulder the burden and comfort me.

Where do you turn when you’re suffocating and seriously damaging your body from stress ?

Should I go to the hospital ?
What I need are more anxiety meds /muscle relaxants , more trials with potent antidepressants , weekly follow ups , and most importantly – solid pain relief with continued testing for the cause.

Living shouldn’t be exhausting and terrifying.


Well, clearly I am enduring a rather lengthy and evil pain flare that began about 4-5 days ago. Actually , it was the Monday I woke up after discontinuing opioids and couldn’t move.
Since then, I have not recouped. 😦
Nope. Girl on fire. Girl with weak and partially numb extremities.
Girl being swarmed and attacked by invisible angry hornets.
Girl who feels justified in her drug habits. ( I scored a decent pile of morphine to get me by for the next 4-5 days).
It’s my only reprieve. Give me a break
Cut me some slack. Throw me a bone.
No wait – that last one didn’t make much sense. : p

I am not even concerned with much else in my life. I’m content being alone while I brood and self medicate myself into a stupor. My ” love” that I’ve mentioned is up to his old tricks of lying and cheating. I’m not gonna go there right now.
I really don’t have the energy to give a shit or to be hurt . Also, it’s a long story.

Now, here’s the thing ..
I feel I have had some clarity regarding my 3 1/2 year stint with chronic pain.

All of the tests have been done – bloodwork, ultrasounds , nerve conduction studies , various scans.

We cannot simply conclude that I have mild neuropathy with an additional pain syndrome. I’m not happy with that. It feels like a last ditch effort to put a name to my agony.
I’m not stopping there. I’m not even close to being done yet.

Let’s look at what has NOT been done in terms of testing :
Nerve biopsy
Muscle biopsy
Muscle function tests
Thoracic spine MRI
Spinal tap ( oweeee)

Ok-so how in the hell have these tests been overlooked ?
Considering my symptoms ( neck to toe burning pain, aching, weakness, tingling and numbness )-why is it not a fucking priority to put me in a hospital bed and test the shit out of my spine and nerves until the cows come home. ! They aren’t home yet!!

How can my doctors say ” well, we’ve rub all the tests .. It’s just medicating the symptoms from this point on ..”
Yeah- up yours doc…

You mean to tell me , that you are content with letting a mentally ill, 30 year old woman in agonizing pain take 5 different medications a day , and just deal with it ? Let’s not forget that I do not merely take one pill out if each bottle.
I take up to 20 pills a day. ( that is prescribed )
I am STILL IN HORRENDOUS DISCOMFORT!!! I don’t have a life and am devastated by that reality.

I can’t throw in the towel. If this is how my life will be from here on in – I’m not game.
Remember , I can’t walk in the morning before taking pain meds. It’s serious shit. Excuse my language today.

I am not even sure that I can follow through with my work lined up next week ! I have to – I’m broke as a joke 😦

Where do I go from here ?? Hospital?
Perhaps fly down to the Mayo clinic ,where they might actually give a shit ?

In other news – I feel that my family is giving me the cold shoulder. They are suddenly keeping their distance this week.
My sister had checked in a few times ( she’s the best), despite her leaving for L.A in a couple days and having to send her daughter off with her dad to Disneyland. She suffers from anxiety , so she’s having a hard time.

My dad told me Monday evening that ” he’s not going down this road with me tonight “- when I responded to his question about how I am , with ” I am unhappy”.
Sorry for being truthful. Don’t ask if you can’t handle the fucking answer

Borderline alert !! I’m planning on hating him now for an undisclosed period of time . That’ll show him not to abandon me. Again. He puts in some effort and then shuts the door when things aren’t peachy and resolved. That is NOT ” in for a penny, in for a pound” – as he stated not to long ago.

Comments ?
Peace and love ,

It began last night.
The sad realization that I was a 30 year old single drug addict with 5 diagnosed mental illnesses and ruthless , widespread chronic pain, on social assistance , laying on the couch at my parents place beginning withdrawals from my choice drug.

I felt sad, I felt embarrassed, let down by life, dealt a completely unfair hand.
No family of my own to cheer me on, no career, no direction. Just pills, upon pills , upon pills to mask my sometimes severe , rotating illnesses that rule my life and world.

I haven’t reached any goals, gone very far , or succeeded in finishing things that I dream up while in a drug induced mania.
I always end up back on that couch, crying and staring blankly at the television.

Next came the familiar suicidal thoughts that have accompanied me through my early teens all the way to this point. 30 years old. They never leave- just take breaks from shouting at me. How could my own mind be so spiteful and dangerous.

Here I was ,trying to do something good for myself , and all I could think of was how utterly useless I was.
A drain and strain on my family and society.
All the doctors I have seen, tests that I’ve taken , drugs that I’ve tried – and I truly feel no better than I did 20 years ago when I began exhibiting signs of illness.
Soon I will just grow old and be bombarded with a whole new set of problems to deal with. Wrinkles , slower metabolism , more aches and pains.

I don’t have anything to look forward to. No one to hold my hand while I try to fight off the urges to end my life;end the misery.
Failed relationships , college drop outs,years and years of abusing my body, and staying in the same place.

I cannot seem to move forward , make real change , actually feel happiness like the people I watch on tv. It seems foreign to me , to be happy for no reason. What is their secret?

I’m tired of people saying that it will get better. After decades of hearing that, it is truly aggravating.
” keep your chin up- something good will happen”. Oh ya? Great! I’ll hang on then.
The only time I’ve gotten excited about life are when I was drunk, or high on my drugs.
The next morning I wake up more hateful than ever. Almost embarrassed that I was fooled by a false sense of well being.

I eagerly await the time when I am breathing no longer.
For this life, has truly been a tragedy.

I can’t find my way out of the maze. I’m so tired of being strong and hanging on for something that doesn’t come.