Archive for the ‘Healing’ Category

…Is the knowing that there is no cure , no medication, nor merely a bandaid to put over my furiously rampant monster of illnesses.

I’ve gotten to this point , slowly but steadily. A bumpy and painful decent.

Despair doesn’t always come across in conversation, but it does sit on the back burner in view.

Reading a memoir of journal entries by a courageous man with borderline personality , addiction issues, and major depression is comforting , yet it also triggers the thought that yes, I may struggle for the rest of my life.

In addition, I have a handful more that I’m lucky enough to call part of me, so I’m definitely a goner. Right ?

I am not one to count my illnesses as if it’s a game or a competition, but I can’t help but think .. “I have double the diagnosis as this poor guy. “How am I still alive? ”

And what for? To shun all my friends only to share seemingly random pictures and blogs?

To create some art that stems from the abstract and unusual thinking of my broken mind ?

Well, I guess for now it’s something.

I’ve begun recording every day-my thoughts, emotions, situations, successes and also failures.

I have a recorder on my phone , plenty of space on both of my cameras to make videos ,two ongoing journals ( one for my mental illnesses, and one to record tarot readings of my own and of other readers )

Is my purpose simply to show that one can survive excruciating agony and still be in awe of a new leaf on a plant I started from seed? Or to deeply enjoy such things as a birds song , or the thriving vegan movement I’ve been cheering for for 3 years ?

There is such a dichotomy to my mind. Such confusion and different choices to make over a seemingly mundane tasks. Like, which side of the table should this plant go on?

My illnesses can seem to melt together and actually become me , speak for me , BE me -or , I can sometimes find a slight hole to peek out from and shine for a moment or two.

But one thing is for sure , I never , ever have a full day of consistent mood , thoughts, or actions. I just don’t grasp what that’s like , sadly.

( later that day..)

As I slammed my door with tears streaming from the echoes of my doctors subtle yet clear voice to use what I have learned to ” cope”, the thoughts of driving into the river , or screaming for help in the middle of a parking lot appeared as if they’d been next in line anyway.

I refuted these impulses and grabbed my go to medicine. “Harm reduction”, I thought to myself , well knowing I was lying .

I came home and shut myself in, turned on my go-to , depressing Radiohead station, and with a haunting familiarity, lay motionless on my bed as if to mimic being in the coffin I already felt that I was in.

But then, almost to my chagrin, I decided to think of how loved ones may perceive this. Probably with worry. No, most definitely.

Dbt decided to come into play without my permission, but I granted it just to see…

Then, my day turned around.

Maybe there is hope. Strategy , a distraction strong enough to grab my spinning emotions and have them spill out until it’s just me and my core feeling. Ready to grasp onto even the tiniest of spoken belief that there is always hope.

All this to say, if one person who you love and loves you -despite what you perceive as your innate ” flaws”, can see through the fog to a beautifully talented , inspiring and not so difficult to be around source of joy , then – maybe there is reason to stick around til the crowds clear and everyone is gone. What’s the harm ?

Having cleansed my overflowing volcano of of a heart with tears attached to many different emotions , I feel at ease. Dare I say , content.

What a phenomenon . Maybe I wouldn’t be so lucky if dealt another’s hand. Okay, that’s enough positivity for one blog.

Remember to send love, and kindness if only through your energy to those who need it. You really never know how much they may be on the edge and that love could be the hand that helps them down.

Cor

Note : I will edit this tomorrow, so I apologize to the sticklers for any spelling or grammatical errors.

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Empathy , compassion, grace, understanding , no judgement , dynamic , feeling, amazing, talented, brilliant, beautifully broken but surviving.

I could not go on without the people I have been destined to share my day to day struggle , failure and successes ( no matter the size ) with.

I am so fortunate, and grateful. Yes , idolizing perhaps. But truthfully do NOT split on them.

Forever indebted . 🙏😘🌟

Looks like it’s been a while since I updated. I have good reason.
I no longer identify with the title of ” miss illness”
In fact, I would now go with something along the lines of ” miss recovered “.

Seriously – I’m heaps and bounds better than I was.
Why?
Well, a number of factors :
The gym – I go nearly every day. I feel for , strong , and am enjoying the effect of emotion regulation and bursts of endorphins.
I highly suggest signing up !

2- God.
I never , EVER thought I would be religious. I identifies as an atheist for my whole life. Agnostic at best.
Well, a good friend of mine who saw me struggling constantly suggested that I was in spiritual warfare , and needed God in my life.
After many excuses ok Sundays and eye rolls – I decided to try it out.
I’m now going every Sunday , have signed up for a weeknight community group, and read the bible regularly.
In all seriousness , I do feel the Holy Spirit in me now.
I planned to get baptized this year.
My whole outlook and image has changed. I am slowly but surely converting to a good Christian girl!
3- Therapy.
Intensive short term psychodynamic therapy.
This has saved my life and quite literally rid me of my borderline characteristics.
If any of you follow me on YouTube ( The BPD life), you’ll know that I feel I am cured/healed.
I still struggle the odd time with strong feelings , but they quickly dissipate due to the use of my rational mind.
Therapy has been incredibly difficult and turbulent , but the many weeks of heightened anxiety and fearfully getting to know a whole new me has been a life saver.
I commence again in 2 weeks time for another 6 months

I feel more confident now that I have seen incredible changes.

4- Medication changes.
I am on 4 medications at this time, which I feel completely keep me calm, level headed and relatively pain free .
If anyone wants to know which ones , msg me.

I never thought I would wake up excited just to be alive , and enjoying life as it comes , but it’s true – I do!
The new me would most certainly irritate the old me.
Too bad. Happy is here to stay.

-miss healthyhappyandhealed !