Archive for the ‘anxiety/panic’ Category

…Is the knowing that there is no cure , no medication, nor merely a bandaid to put over my furiously rampant monster of illnesses.

I’ve gotten to this point , slowly but steadily. A bumpy and painful decent.

Despair doesn’t always come across in conversation, but it does sit on the back burner in view.

Reading a memoir of journal entries by a courageous man with borderline personality , addiction issues, and major depression is comforting , yet it also triggers the thought that yes, I may struggle for the rest of my life.

In addition, I have a handful more that I’m lucky enough to call part of me, so I’m definitely a goner. Right ?

I am not one to count my illnesses as if it’s a game or a competition, but I can’t help but think .. “I have double the diagnosis as this poor guy. “How am I still alive? ”

And what for? To shun all my friends only to share seemingly random pictures and blogs?

To create some art that stems from the abstract and unusual thinking of my broken mind ?

Well, I guess for now it’s something.

I’ve begun recording every day-my thoughts, emotions, situations, successes and also failures.

I have a recorder on my phone , plenty of space on both of my cameras to make videos ,two ongoing journals ( one for my mental illnesses, and one to record tarot readings of my own and of other readers )

Is my purpose simply to show that one can survive excruciating agony and still be in awe of a new leaf on a plant I started from seed? Or to deeply enjoy such things as a birds song , or the thriving vegan movement I’ve been cheering for for 3 years ?

There is such a dichotomy to my mind. Such confusion and different choices to make over a seemingly mundane tasks. Like, which side of the table should this plant go on?

My illnesses can seem to melt together and actually become me , speak for me , BE me -or , I can sometimes find a slight hole to peek out from and shine for a moment or two.

But one thing is for sure , I never , ever have a full day of consistent mood , thoughts, or actions. I just don’t grasp what that’s like , sadly.

( later that day..)

As I slammed my door with tears streaming from the echoes of my doctors subtle yet clear voice to use what I have learned to ” cope”, the thoughts of driving into the river , or screaming for help in the middle of a parking lot appeared as if they’d been next in line anyway.

I refuted these impulses and grabbed my go to medicine. “Harm reduction”, I thought to myself , well knowing I was lying .

I came home and shut myself in, turned on my go-to , depressing Radiohead station, and with a haunting familiarity, lay motionless on my bed as if to mimic being in the coffin I already felt that I was in.

But then, almost to my chagrin, I decided to think of how loved ones may perceive this. Probably with worry. No, most definitely.

Dbt decided to come into play without my permission, but I granted it just to see…

Then, my day turned around.

Maybe there is hope. Strategy , a distraction strong enough to grab my spinning emotions and have them spill out until it’s just me and my core feeling. Ready to grasp onto even the tiniest of spoken belief that there is always hope.

All this to say, if one person who you love and loves you -despite what you perceive as your innate ” flaws”, can see through the fog to a beautifully talented , inspiring and not so difficult to be around source of joy , then – maybe there is reason to stick around til the crowds clear and everyone is gone. What’s the harm ?

Having cleansed my overflowing volcano of of a heart with tears attached to many different emotions , I feel at ease. Dare I say , content.

What a phenomenon . Maybe I wouldn’t be so lucky if dealt another’s hand. Okay, that’s enough positivity for one blog.

Remember to send love, and kindness if only through your energy to those who need it. You really never know how much they may be on the edge and that love could be the hand that helps them down.


Note : I will edit this tomorrow, so I apologize to the sticklers for any spelling or grammatical errors.


Empathy , compassion, grace, understanding , no judgement , dynamic , feeling, amazing, talented, brilliant, beautifully broken but surviving.

I could not go on without the people I have been destined to share my day to day struggle , failure and successes ( no matter the size ) with.

I am so fortunate, and grateful. Yes , idolizing perhaps. But truthfully do NOT split on them.

Forever indebted . 🙏😘🌟

You know those pivotal moments people talk about that arise in ones life – that moment where everything makes sense , and hope is found?

I believe today is that day for me.

After a brief frustration and halt in my short term intensive psychodynamic therapy with my brilliant psychiatrist- he called me into his office to discuss his conclusions after reviewing the videotapes of my previous 8-9 sessions.

I had mentioned a rather volatile and extremely mentally/emotionally abusive long relationship that I had with a man that I will call Joe.

Joe put me down like it was his job. His attitude towards me was either completely dismissive and punishing , or entirely ( seemingly) loving.
He flipped back and fourth between these two extremes for many years.
He would threaten me, make me feel unwelcome in our home, disregard my depression and physical pain, call me every degrading and insulting name in the book, etc.
I seldom left, but I always came back.

He cheated on me multiple times with the girl that he cheated on with me.
I still took him back.
You see- I grew up resenting my father for being emotionally and physically absent during a rather tough time he was having. I didn’t like the way he talked to my mother , and his anger outbursts left me scared of him. He never hit us, or abused us in any way.

What has been explained to me by my psychiatrist is that I developed an unconscious hate for my father – and sought relationships with emotionally unavailable men my whole life.
I endured their abuse, neglect, and lack of affection as I persisted on getting them to love me completely.
I would punish them, then feel great sadness and regret.
Thus, my bpd behaviours were born and kept alive.

This relationship with ” Joe” was an extension of my relationship with my father. He even looked like him.
The more I buried my sadness about Joe, and the worse he treated me, the more rage I had ,and ultimately suppressed.
Thus began the onset of my physical pain that has no known cause to date.

The only way out of my self defeating , painful existence is the release of my murderous rage towards psychopathic Joe ( my psychiatrist literally dX him that just today), and then the passage of guilt for psychologically wanting to kill my father.

It is so complex , and so upsetting to know that these two men set the path to many many years of self hate and pain.

I am now confident that I understand my complex behaviours, feelings, and need to carry on with this incredible therapy.

The bottom line that I want to share with you all, is to dig deep into your past and consider that today’s suffering CAN be figured out, and healed.
Medications and drugs were never the answer for me, and this discovery only reinforces that notion.
We must trace our suffering to the inner child who is still crying out for help and longing for true emotional closeness.


Okay- so I have noticed some new followers and comments on my blog , and really need to start writing again !
My apologies.

For the whole month of July , my gardening business was extremely busy. One new customer after another.
While that was fantastic from a financial standpoint , I completely wore myself and my mother out.
I experienced burnout – and had to ale some time off.
I completely fell apart – not only physically , but mentally.
I ended up spending about 8 days straight with a good male friend of mine who I’ve known for about 7 years.
It was probably the most memorable week of my life. It was just amazing.

He was really going through a rough time himself – and would really only talk to me.
I felt that I could help him with his state of mind and to understand the girl he’s been after for years , because I am convinced that she’s also borderline.

At the beginning , he talked about her non stop. I could barely get a word in edge wise. It had completely taken him over.
Each day I went back over , and both of is worked on some issues , and talked them all out. I had been pining over someone who would not commit to me either , so there were some similarities there.
We both felt drained of self worth, and my anxiety was off the charts. E talked me through MANY attacks . I have to say that no one has been able to handle them as well as he did. I’m trying now to use his advice when I feel that way. I’ll also be talking to my doctor about increasing my dose of benzodiazepines , or switching to Ativan. It’s faster acting .
My painkiller abuse was as bad as it has ever been, so he helped me to gain some self control over that.
To make a long , emotional , and wonderful story short – by the end of the week it was my 31st birthday. He showered me with gifts , and treated me like a queen. He said he felt better than he had in forever , and was so completely grateful for my company and input. Together , we conquered so much , and our friendship and love for each other grew.
We agreed that it was the best week we could remember , and that it was exactly what we needed.
I have to mention that not once did he even try to make a pass at me. He kissed my cheek once ! I found that amazing. It was cute because our glasses clanked together and we both became awkward. He said that he could not possibly love me any more than he does , and I feel the same. But , we are not jumping into anything just yet. Will let things go at their own pace. I am completely content with remaining close friends. Maybe that’s all it’s supposed to be ! Not worried. : )

Up until that week,I was convinced that I was only good for my body.
My self worth and esteem was so low, that I let people walk all over me. I felt that my illnesses were something that nobody would want to deal with , and my positive attributes went Unnoticed .No more. Now I know that I am worthy of love.

Now we are practically inseperable. Not once have we argued – which is amazing considering the amount of time we spent together !
He’s gone away this weekend , and it’s probably good to have some space.
We have some ” dates” planned down the road. Spas,comedy clubs , etc.
I feel that he’s the best friend I never had. So cliche , I know.

I’ve managed to control my addiction to an extent. I was using a large amount of the strongest painkiller allowed , and now I am actually below what I’m prescribed.

I am still having trouble with mood swings and strong emotional reactions. I wish I could control my moods better. They still dictate and rule my life.
My father has suggested that I see a professional psychologist. I have needed one for many years .
The last one I saw didn’t put the pieces together and diagnose my BpD, so I stopped going after about 5 sessions because I didn’t feel that it was useful.

Now that I know I need dialectical behavioural therapy, we are looking for a trained psychologist who is willing to work with borderline patients with concurrent disorders . I’m waiting for a callback .

I am also going to a place called Nutrichem- where they take detailed bloodwork , and create custom supplements for your needs specifically. They also do pain management. Creams , amino acid therapy, etc.
I’ve only gone the pharmaceutical route because it’s covered by my drug plan .. But now my dad OR my ” friend” ( the one I spent all that time with), is going to pay. He is extremely generous with people he cares about. He probably spent around 5-700 dollars on me that week!

As far as gluten goes – I am very confused ! I was pain free for a few weeks – and it was bliss. But , I was also using too much pain medication :/
I ran out early and decided to try getting off of the meds and onto an opiate replacement therapy.
Bad choice.
The pain returned 10 fold , and I pretty much overdosed twice in a week- because sleep was my only reprieve. I didn’t want to die , but couldn’t bear the pain. I got back on fentanyl patches and the pain subsided. It hasn’t returned since.
So- I try to avoid gluten still, but not as strictly as before.

I have been denied disability supports again. I am very very upset about this. I had so much documentation and support from many specialists .
They still do not consider me disabled .
I guess that having 5 diagnosed mental illnesses and disabling chronic widespread nerve pain is no big deal.

So I must continue being on welfare , and working part time as a gardener and cleaner.
It could be worse. I do have support from family , and a lot of credit. Not very much debt either. Luckily I am not an impulsive shopper. I am not a good saver , but I always pay bills first and then spend what little is left on entertainment.

I hope to make a few entries a week again.
I welcome comments! Thanks so much for reading 🙂


I had a relatively good day yesterday.
Aside from discovering a horrifying centipede in my shower , good things happened. I felt well, low pain, saw a friend , got a cat , and felt chipper.
I started the supplements Sam-E two days ago when I was feeling so completely suicidal.
This supplement holds a risk of mania and/or insomnia.
Now- this sounds like heaven when you’re sleeping 10 hours a night and dragging your ass around all day dreaming of death and staring catatonically at the wall.

Could be coincidence , but as soon as I tried to sleep at around 11:30- the anxiety began.
Every problem , issue, and worry stepped to the front of the thought line and swamped me.

I couldn’t relax. I was thinking about centipedes and whether my new cat would scratch at my door , eat my plants ,and discover a dropped pill on the floor and overdose.
I brooded about my bank account being in the negative , my hate for my ex, my obsession with pills , my doctors growing irritation with my frequent visits , and my new supplement regimen .
I worried about not being able to get to work if I have a bad pain day , my two appointments , job, and errands that had to be done today… Etc etc fucking Ect!!

It just wouldn’t shut off.
It never does. During the day I feel safer in the daylight.
The busy- ness of the car packed streets and hustle and bustle of people coming and going places feels on par with the parade in my mind.

But when all is quiet and dark except for the glowing red numbers on my clock- I am desperate to wipe my minds slate clean.
I took so many different tranquilizing drugs , with absolutely no luck.
I finally got up at 2 and raced to the 24 hour gas station for some cigarettes.

I need to find a way to calm this storm when it washes away my sanity and bombards me with frantic , irrational waves of total panic.

Of course , and as usual – everything went as planned today and I survived.
People have insomnia all the time !

I just feel that when you’re mentally unstable , running on less than 6 hours of sleep can create a very unpleasant state of mind.

Hoping to be exhausted to the point of effortless and instant slumber tonight.

As I seem to have reached the bottom lately , I did some good hard thinking on how I can start treating some of my disorders.
I don’t want to add more prescriptions to my 5 a day, so having a background in holistic nutrition is coming in handy while I comprise a plan.

I won’t go into detail, but basically I am focusing on treating my ADD and OCD.
They are SO bothersome and intrusive.
I would love to be able to think clearly , without repetitive, anxious thoughts , constant distraction and feelings of boredom and irritability/restlessness.

I’m heading over to Bulk Barn ( our natural health food shop in Canada)- to see which of the supplements on my list I can find
These include
inositol , b12, p5p or b6, GABA , and 5 htp.

I will have to run it by my pharmacist to ensure that I don’t have any complications with my pain meds.
Many of these act on neurotransmitters, and I’m already on a benzo and a tricyclic anti depressant for pain.
Hopefully in time I can get off of these.
I have plans to control my addiction with the use of suboxone as well.
Just trying to work up the nerve to go I to withdrawal again .
This is an unfortunate necessary effort in beginning addiction treatment.

I know that OCD and ADD are all tied I to my addiction and mood swings.
I am feeling hopeful and excited to give these a try.
I can’t afford it , but I also can’t afford to be suicidal and out of my mind.

This really is a matter of life and death.

I also got an offer to adopt my friends cat for a while , until her baby grows up and is out of a crib.
They had a close call with the cat nearly smothering her while sleeping. 😦
I’ve wanted a furry companion for years now.

Things are looking up.
Wish me luck!!

Yesterday morning I had chest pains , which I ignored. I’ve had heartburn recently every day ,which I never used to have.
I have been eating a lot of junk lately due to my tricyclic antidepressant that causes a massive appetite increase and sugar cravings.
And of course , loneliness and stress make me turn to comfort food. Not vegetables.
I went Into sweats twice yesterday , and had indigestion last night before bed.
My teeth have hurt for months – probably from clenching my jaw during sleep, but also a sign of heart trouble I read. :/

My mental state was declining as the night went on, and I took a variety of pills for pain and anxiety.

I drifted off , and awoke from a nightmare an hour later with serious heartburn. My chest was on fire , and I was sweating and panicked. Luckily I had a potent antacid in my arsenal.

I nearly called an ambulance , but I was so tired , and couldn’t imagine sitting in the emergency department only to be told that I’m under
tremendous stress, to quit smoking and clean up my diet, and exercise more. I know this already, but depression makes it so difficult to get motivated.
You just want to self soothe and indulge.

I fell back asleep and was fine this morning ( heart wise )
Now I’m in a mixed state – anxious, yet fatigued , concerned , and upset.
Thank God that my pain isn’t bad.

I got in a massive fight with a friend to boot.
This is the second fight I’ve had this week with a girlfriend.
Then I get a tense email from my mom about our summer gardening business.

Upon doing our first assessment of the year, we were already fighting.
I won’t get Into it. She is 60 years old with no business experience and OCD ( very rigid, inflexible thinking- hmmm a little like yours truly !)
She is very defensive and unable to change.

Just seems that things are all around terrible still.

I prayed for death last night. I wanted to die peacefully in my sleep. But alas, I woke up to the same nightmare.

I’m at a loss. I just don’t know how to cope with all of this anymore.

Everywhere I turn , I hit a wall.
I’m going at it alone. Can’t stress out my family , and I have no partner to shoulder the burden and comfort me.

Where do you turn when you’re suffocating and seriously damaging your body from stress ?

Should I go to the hospital ?
What I need are more anxiety meds /muscle relaxants , more trials with potent antidepressants , weekly follow ups , and most importantly – solid pain relief with continued testing for the cause.

Living shouldn’t be exhausting and terrifying.


What does anxiety feel like ?

It feels like the world is on fire around you, while no one else notices.

It is anticipating the worst possible outcome of a situation.

It is witnessing horrible changes in your body as “fight or flight “sets in. Racing thoughts and pounding heart, sweaty palms, dizziness, stomach aches, fluttering in the chest, lump in the throat, slurring words, inability to think straight , and sometimes full fledged panic. It’s no picnic.

It’s the feeling that I must escape myself but can’t. Evil faces laughing at me as I cower in fear over in the corner bawling.

It is a loss of control of the mind.

It is a curse. But…BUT -It can get better. It can fuck off for periods of time . Benzodiazepines have saved me from countless attacks
image A painting I’ve done that reflects my tireless mind

I hate being reliant on a pill just to stay calm, but for whatever reason, my system is always on high alert-ready to run.

30 years, and I still live with the demons that take over my mind daily. I must try harder not to give them power. I feel that I’ve come a long way, although I’m not entirely confident when I say that it gets easier.

A saying that I often repeat for comfort in times of distress is ” this too shall pass”.

It always does, and it hasn’t killed me yet.