Starting From Scratch

Posted: June 13, 2018 in Uncategorized

Here I am , where I feel I have been a zillion times before.

However , every time we ” start over”, we are older , wiser, often don’t use the same method, are in a different environment, financial situation, etc etc.

I decided , after a truthful declaration from a wonderful friend , that I really am the most unhinged , and fragile , broken and lost that I have been in well over a year.

2017 was not a kind one. Much of the trauma, and drama though, I admit – I participated in or brought on myself. Idle hands are the devils playground , they say.

It’s also known that when Borderlines are in a calm place, they often seek out dangerous chaotic situations , because that’s where , ironically, we feel most comfortable.

I’m not at that stage anymore. In fact, my trajectory has changed dramatically since oh, let’s say February of this year.

I impulsively , but not regrettably closed down my 3.5 year long relationship with YouTube.

I don’t really give a care as to what one may say, but I was tragically bullied , harassed and stalked to the point where I had no other option.

Crying and begging on the floor on younow for forgiveness from someone I used to clash with year one on YouTube for being blamed for her alleged but untrue suicide attempt is kind of that point in time when you think ” and this is what I imagined when I wanted to share what BPD is with people ?”

I think not. I still have not returned , and don’t plan to , despite offers to do a collab with a well known bpd vlogger.

I’ve realized that I’ve suffered a lot of post-traumatic stress from Nov 17-Jan 18.

I would rather save the details for a skilled therapist, but there are many people out there who saw the entire daily videos to prove my statement.

I’ve done some quite neurotic , erratic and impulsive decision making as a result of fear , mistrust, and where people’s loyalty stands.

I even made separate Snapchats at one point out of fear that my language about religion was offensive to a couple of people.

Whaaat?

I ask myself how , days after this helpful truth being told to me about my decline. Why am I sharing these constant failures , insane reactions , depressive episodes, mania, panic, crying on the floor type PAINFUL moments as a multi diagnosed and tortured woman with people?

I’ve met some truly remarkable and understanding , loveable and ceaselessly comforting people in the last few years, but I am realizing more and more than I am perhaps needing to face myself , soothe myself ,  put the camera down and pick up a brush to let my emotions out. Maybe take some beautiful pictures . Go for a walk and be silent . Work on my future goals, and not just spin my wheels by being tethered to my years on YT . It feels that, this was the final push to close the door , and reach for the next , albeit upsetting .

These loving souls were in a constant state of trying to coach me, pick me up, send whatever consolations they could , but is this fair? Was I reciprocating the enormous loyalty to each of them ? I don’t think it’s possible, even after somehow fearlessly cutting ties with all ( since YouTube ) but around 10 people. I do plan to keep in touch, just not in a 500 snaps a day type of way.

Because how ,Cory, can you move on and help yourself, if you perpetually live in a virtual world of ” look at me rise and fall again and again “, when IN the end, only I can only save myself.

I admittedly fear that these lovely souls will or have felt /feel tossed away like they meant nothing , that perhaps I never cared , and that they wasted years and tears of empathy for nothing . I do expect a certain degree of anger, or resentment . I understand fully why that would happen. This would only set back my healing and cause me more pain, so I suppose it would reveal the true nature of ones genuine care .

So then, I suppose it’s a double edged sword.

But one thing I do trust, is when my gut says it’s time, it’s time .

I visualize myself cutting the few precious strands that held on, to not free myself , but free them from me.

I can only hope that maybe not now, but someday it will make sense to them. I’ll never forget the support , the lifeline , and courage these true spirits supplied me with. Right now I may be only be words on a screen, or a post on Instagram , but it’s never hard to touch base. I just need some time . We all need time and stillness to make progress

Deep down , I know that if I cannot keep up with myself, my addictions, my many illnesses, my work, and so fourth, then how can I genuinely provide the care and respect for them that they have always deserved.

It’s a new moon today, and my wish is that each and every one received a warm hug of good karma from our universe.

Cor.

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