Back Online

Posted: July 1, 2018 in Uncategorized

So, July 1st. Canada Day. Record breaking heat. What to do, what to do… my head and heart have been feeling somewhat lonely and unfulfilled.

So, why not pop my head in on the first of a new month, and finally say hello, and that I’m okay, to my true followers on the borderline life and other channels on YouTube.

These people are kind, appreciate, grateful, and intrigued by my life. I’m guessing by my transparency and perhaps my abilities to create videos , artwork , etc from the deep wells of sorrow that I have surpassed that they can identify with.

I was so shocked to find nothing but positive feedback from my short video that did not disclose any info about why I left , where I am, what has happened , or what’s coming next.

I feel very satisfied, knowing that the bullshit bullying hating crowd has most likely moved onto another delicate and vulnerable target. I am adamant about having no tolerance now.

I have a full written page of video ideas, that would be shared publicly and privately , depending on the subject. My plan needs some work, but all I have is time!

To keep myself safe, I could not possibly go back to daily vlogging ,where I talk freely about sensitive issues to anyone who clicks.

I feel …strange, even bringing up the idea of ” pay per view” content, Vimeo, patreon, etc.

But, after so SO much thinking and brewing over this , amongst where my real life has led me to – I just cannot repeat the past. I cannot dedicate my entire life to a channel that beat me down for free. Just like a regular job, doing work should be properly acknowledged , right?

However , I also do not expect people to have to put hard earned dollars , or lack thereof into my bank just to hear some hopeful words, or comforting things that are so relatable and can really lift a person up. It’s so difficult to discern what I require , and what I want to give.

I’m in a tough position, and I will try to navigate my way with the utmost respect for the people that still actually care about my well being.

It really gives me hope for humanity after the savagery I have witnessed .

For now, I am happy to share some pictures /clues to my passions and where I’m at in life on my instagram. The _Tarot_Girl. It’s not private so that I can first check if the profiles are fake, just made , or have no picture. Sort of like a bouncer at the door of a club.

I do have exciting plans on the back burner , that will take some planning and investment, as well as networking. I want to do better. Be better. Be inspiring , be someone that can speak for us who suffer the stigma and cruelty of bpd in silence.

I must find a middle ground between fulfilling that role, and protecting myself.

After an astounding reading today meditating on this seemingly impulsive upload, I could not imagine what the cards and runes were saying. I really really would love to share my gift with people.

I’m thinking that to make things less difficult for myself, instead of having a space for this, an audience for that, a channel for the other. I can just be me, and share it all as one. Why compartmentalize?

Until next time – stay tuned ? ( I say with a pinch of uncertainty but a base of commitment to this path ).

Cory

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Huge Shift

Posted: June 28, 2018 in Uncategorized

I guess I’m just stopping by to say that my spirituality , tarot and astrology have really really been my focus as of late.

The more I observe my life force , my intuition, and follow my gut , whilst really tuning in to my readings , and learning about the amazing influence of the moon and astrology, I have really REALLY started to float away from life’s mundane issues.

It’s very hard to explain. But I am so in tune with vibes , energies , the planetary and moon positions, tarot, Lenormand and tune reading .

I felt this real pull towards my new life after I shut my YouTube channel down, went through a very very intense processing of events , and then boom- I just KNEW where I was going. That was months ago, and here I am.

Different everything. This is what the doctor called for. I truly know it.

I’ve been instinctively following the energies that previously were felt , yet ignored. These shifts in mood , feelings, impulsive changes , etc.

I can’t say that they were all due to BPD.

As I’ve developed my spiritual gift of being a card reader , over the last 3-4 years, I honestly am coming to a very strange point where I know things are going to happen before they do. I have these sudden ” downloads” of new ideas , and gut feelings mixed with visuals of how things are going to unfold , and my God , they seem to be getting more accurate and predictable by the day.

I guess you couuuuld say that I’ve graduated to a new level of consciousness. One that truly guides me through the storms , and leads me to answers that I think were always there , but I wasn’t ready to believe or see that I was such a highly spiritual and sensitive person.

I don’t know , it sounds crazy, and perhaps this is me going insane without knowing lol. But I have this lightness about me, and this real sense of security on my path. All I can do is listen closely , and follow.

I believe we all have the ability. I have to thank YouTube I guess for allowing me to find people that are teaching me so so much. Whatever people may think, I don’t seem bothered these days.

Excited to see how life unfolds …I am surely taking pictures, video, and journaling the whole unveiling.

Cor

So, it’s been a minute. I know. Well, I can explain…or at least try to.

See, I’m somewhat of an artist. I have always loved abstract art and eventually started painting , I love to write poetry and even blogs apparently. Just anything expressive.

That was overly simplified as I feel like I’m rushing myself just to post something because it’s been days. Full transparency, as usual.

I realized for the 100th time in my life that chaos and mental illness HELPS me create better artwork, better writing, and better ideas.

So, I suppose there is always a silver lining. I found this hypothesis to be proven over a span of a few days where I really felt lucky enough to be out of the depths of mental Hell.

I have to admit, and this is going to sound absolutely awful and strange …but I felt.. BORED.

Now, is this the borderline in me missing living in familiar chaos?

Was my experience of normalcy ironically causing me to feel abnormal? I can’t explain, but I think you get it.

Now, I would never ever say that I would rather be depressed, anxious, paranoid, obsessive compulsive, overwrought with attention deficit issues, and/or in the depths of borderline hell.

But I will say that I felt so bland, bored , and uncreative to the point of craving some obscurity to be able to get my abstract and creative mind going.

Isn’t that strange? Actually, it’s not.

If you take a look or research some of the most well known and sought after artists, musicians, actors, etc -MANY , ( and we only know of the ones who are/we’re public about their mental struggles) , you’ll find that there is a certain beauty that comes out of a troubled mind.

Be it in lyrics, art, or what have you.

On a final note , I’ve been wondering a lot about actors and borderline personality disorder.

We are natural chameleons, as we don’t usually have a solid identity. So then, wouldn’t being borderline make us naturally gifted in acting/performing? I think upon examination of past and present actors and performers, we’d find a strong link between the illness and very memorable people such as Marilyn Monroe.

Something to think about. Something positive 🙂

Take care ,

Cor

Song Of The Day

Posted: June 18, 2018 in Uncategorized

This is the song I’ve had in my head all day. It’s called How Come , by Ray Lamontagne ( whom I had the pleasure of seeing live in Montreal Quebec years ago !)

https://www.google.ca/search?q=how+come+lyrics+ray+lamontagne&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-ca&client=safari

Hope the link worked. If not , how come ? 🙂

Cor

…Is the knowing that there is no cure , no medication, nor merely a bandaid to put over my furiously rampant monster of illnesses.

I’ve gotten to this point , slowly but steadily. A bumpy and painful decent.

Despair doesn’t always come across in conversation, but it does sit on the back burner in view.

Reading a memoir of journal entries by a courageous man with borderline personality , addiction issues, and major depression is comforting , yet it also triggers the thought that yes, I may struggle for the rest of my life.

In addition, I have a handful more that I’m lucky enough to call part of me, so I’m definitely a goner. Right ?

I am not one to count my illnesses as if it’s a game or a competition, but I can’t help but think .. “I have double the diagnosis as this poor guy. “How am I still alive? ”

And what for? To shun all my friends only to share seemingly random pictures and blogs?

To create some art that stems from the abstract and unusual thinking of my broken mind ?

Well, I guess for now it’s something.

I’ve begun recording every day-my thoughts, emotions, situations, successes and also failures.

I have a recorder on my phone , plenty of space on both of my cameras to make videos ,two ongoing journals ( one for my mental illnesses, and one to record tarot readings of my own and of other readers )

Is my purpose simply to show that one can survive excruciating agony and still be in awe of a new leaf on a plant I started from seed? Or to deeply enjoy such things as a birds song , or the thriving vegan movement I’ve been cheering for for 3 years ?

There is such a dichotomy to my mind. Such confusion and different choices to make over a seemingly mundane tasks. Like, which side of the table should this plant go on?

My illnesses can seem to melt together and actually become me , speak for me , BE me -or , I can sometimes find a slight hole to peek out from and shine for a moment or two.

But one thing is for sure , I never , ever have a full day of consistent mood , thoughts, or actions. I just don’t grasp what that’s like , sadly.

( later that day..)

As I slammed my door with tears streaming from the echoes of my doctors subtle yet clear voice to use what I have learned to ” cope”, the thoughts of driving into the river , or screaming for help in the middle of a parking lot appeared as if they’d been next in line anyway.

I refuted these impulses and grabbed my go to medicine. “Harm reduction”, I thought to myself , well knowing I was lying .

I came home and shut myself in, turned on my go-to , depressing Radiohead station, and with a haunting familiarity, lay motionless on my bed as if to mimic being in the coffin I already felt that I was in.

But then, almost to my chagrin, I decided to think of how loved ones may perceive this. Probably with worry. No, most definitely.

Dbt decided to come into play without my permission, but I granted it just to see…

Then, my day turned around.

Maybe there is hope. Strategy , a distraction strong enough to grab my spinning emotions and have them spill out until it’s just me and my core feeling. Ready to grasp onto even the tiniest of spoken belief that there is always hope.

All this to say, if one person who you love and loves you -despite what you perceive as your innate ” flaws”, can see through the fog to a beautifully talented , inspiring and not so difficult to be around source of joy , then – maybe there is reason to stick around til the crowds clear and everyone is gone. What’s the harm ?

Having cleansed my overflowing volcano of of a heart with tears attached to many different emotions , I feel at ease. Dare I say , content.

What a phenomenon . Maybe I wouldn’t be so lucky if dealt another’s hand. Okay, that’s enough positivity for one blog.

Remember to send love, and kindness if only through your energy to those who need it. You really never know how much they may be on the edge and that love could be the hand that helps them down.

Cor

Note : I will edit this tomorrow, so I apologize to the sticklers for any spelling or grammatical errors.

Starting From Scratch

Posted: June 13, 2018 in Uncategorized

Here I am , where I feel I have been a zillion times before.

However , every time we ” start over”, we are older , wiser, often don’t use the same method, are in a different environment, financial situation, etc etc.

I decided , after a truthful declaration from a wonderful friend , that I really am the most unhinged , and fragile , broken and lost that I have been in well over a year.

2017 was not a kind one. Much of the trauma, and drama though, I admit – I participated in or brought on myself. Idle hands are the devils playground , they say.

It’s also known that when Borderlines are in a calm place, they often seek out dangerous chaotic situations , because that’s where , ironically, we feel most comfortable.

I’m not at that stage anymore. In fact, my trajectory has changed dramatically since oh, let’s say February of this year.

I impulsively , but not regrettably closed down my 3.5 year long relationship with YouTube.

I don’t really give a care as to what one may say, but I was tragically bullied , harassed and stalked to the point where I had no other option.

Crying and begging on the floor on younow for forgiveness from someone I used to clash with year one on YouTube for being blamed for her alleged but untrue suicide attempt is kind of that point in time when you think ” and this is what I imagined when I wanted to share what BPD is with people ?”

I think not. I still have not returned , and don’t plan to , despite offers to do a collab with a well known bpd vlogger.

I’ve realized that I’ve suffered a lot of post-traumatic stress from Nov 17-Jan 18.

I would rather save the details for a skilled therapist, but there are many people out there who saw the entire daily videos to prove my statement.

I’ve done some quite neurotic , erratic and impulsive decision making as a result of fear , mistrust, and where people’s loyalty stands.

I even made separate Snapchats at one point out of fear that my language about religion was offensive to a couple of people.

Whaaat?

I ask myself how , days after this helpful truth being told to me about my decline. Why am I sharing these constant failures , insane reactions , depressive episodes, mania, panic, crying on the floor type PAINFUL moments as a multi diagnosed and tortured woman with people?

I’ve met some truly remarkable and understanding , loveable and ceaselessly comforting people in the last few years, but I am realizing more and more than I am perhaps needing to face myself , soothe myself ,  put the camera down and pick up a brush to let my emotions out. Maybe take some beautiful pictures . Go for a walk and be silent . Work on my future goals, and not just spin my wheels by being tethered to my years on YT . It feels that, this was the final push to close the door , and reach for the next , albeit upsetting .

These loving souls were in a constant state of trying to coach me, pick me up, send whatever consolations they could , but is this fair? Was I reciprocating the enormous loyalty to each of them ? I don’t think it’s possible, even after somehow fearlessly cutting ties with all ( since YouTube ) but around 10 people. I do plan to keep in touch, just not in a 500 snaps a day type of way.

Because how ,Cory, can you move on and help yourself, if you perpetually live in a virtual world of ” look at me rise and fall again and again “, when IN the end, only I can only save myself.

I admittedly fear that these lovely souls will or have felt /feel tossed away like they meant nothing , that perhaps I never cared , and that they wasted years and tears of empathy for nothing . I do expect a certain degree of anger, or resentment . I understand fully why that would happen. This would only set back my healing and cause me more pain, so I suppose it would reveal the true nature of ones genuine care .

So then, I suppose it’s a double edged sword.

But one thing I do trust, is when my gut says it’s time, it’s time .

I visualize myself cutting the few precious strands that held on, to not free myself , but free them from me.

I can only hope that maybe not now, but someday it will make sense to them. I’ll never forget the support , the lifeline , and courage these true spirits supplied me with. Right now I may be only be words on a screen, or a post on Instagram , but it’s never hard to touch base. I just need some time . We all need time and stillness to make progress

Deep down , I know that if I cannot keep up with myself, my addictions, my many illnesses, my work, and so fourth, then how can I genuinely provide the care and respect for them that they have always deserved.

It’s a new moon today, and my wish is that each and every one received a warm hug of good karma from our universe.

Cor.

Turning Down The Volume

Posted: June 8, 2018 in Uncategorized

I’m writing this post selfishly , to remember the day I learned that there is much less struggle and anxiety when you simply say no.

Even when no question is asked. Self care, especially during PMS or PMDD includes turning off the phone , and allowing yourself to object to noise or words that could trigger. We are allowed to take days to do what fulfills us.

To simply leave our social world behind , and work on the garden . To binge watch, binge eat, do what we want , when we want ( nothing destructive of course ), and not feel guilty for disappearing for a few days. Trust me , it helps . Borderline or not , PMS or not , woman or man, young or older, we ALL are allowed to take these time outs, and not feel guilt.

Cor

Suddenly today I realized, that due to PMDD and recent saddening situations, either my brain itself , or an aspect of my borderline personality build a wall of steel around my heart. A no trespassing sign. An out of order type of flashing red beacon.

I realized that I do not feel anything positive. I’m not even in a bad mood, but I’m also not in a good one.

But this isn’t about mood swings, this is about the anomaly of the things that happen without warning or trying from trust being broken , gut feelings and the attached paranoia winning the race.

I feel no love. I know I love, but I cannot connect to it. There’s a short circuit. How do I learn to do this when I really need it , and not when I’m actually trying to remember what I felt before. It’s bizarre. Maybe it is good timing, as I have been overwhelmed with changing perspective and upheaval of friendships.

It’s so…NEEDED. I’m trusting my brain on this one. I know tomorrow, or the next day ( 1-2 days before the start of my new cycle), I will be crying at the beauty of a flower.

I wonder if this happens to any others. I feel, actually I don’t feel .. I see myself as somewhat of an alien today. Lately. So many thoughts.

I think this is rational mind. I think. I really …just have to trust that the wall is up for a reason and will come down when I’m ready. Very, very strange and hard to describe.

I wonder if this is what people with psychopathy are like all of the time. A disconnect from human love.

I suppose and admit that it worries me.

Thanks for reading.

Cor

A match made in hell.

7-10 days out of every month where you lose yourself to your hormones , your weaknesses , cry over spilled (nut)milk, feel like you are coming down with every illness , fatigued, brain fog, irritable, likely to lash out , not likely to stay in wise mind , likely to self medicate ( to the point of accidental OD) simply from someone you cared for stabbing you in the heart with one sentence , complete loss of control you felt just days ago, worsening on all your mental illnesses, body aches , pains, headaches,cramping,excessive binging ,weepiness, and more.

As if we with bpd and co morbid illnesses need a guarantee every month to be thrown into constant tests of strength , fight for ownership over our mind and body, and loss of motivation.

This is the week that I’m likely to spiral and have dramatic sudden breakdowns and failures. I’m never prepared. And I’m always fearful.

Sometimes complete solitude and fetal position are required as the clock ticks waiting for day one of my cycle to begin.

Love to other women who suffer immensely due to their hormones, PMS and PMDD plus mental illness.

I understand.

Cor

What a gorgeous day all around. I woke with the sunrise (455), got up, sat outside with my garden and incense , and began improving my vegetable garden.

I felt good. No need to mood boosters or the fight to destroy mood drops. It’s actually easier than taking a pill. If you focus hard enough on your goals and what you love, you can escape the trap of chaos and begin to step into your power

I did a tarot reading, with a high spirit and glee. Funny enough, my cards reflected ending my old way of life, and following my new path to happiness. A complete change is just what I needed.

With this change , which began on the full moon May 29th, I felt a strong need to be assertive and stand my ground with people like my old landlord ( long story), or people who have kept me wrapped up in anxiety and disrespecting me . Leo’s aren’t fond of that. I’m not fond of things that are morally wrong ( not at all saying I haven’t gone down that path), and just bask in the guidance that I’ve been given the gift of feeling with my entire self.

I spent a lot of time with my parents , and really using my dbt without noticing , except for that there have been zero fights since I moved back closer to them. I cherish my family. I CAN move past my upbringing.

I know my strengths , and I will use them, without the noise of doubt or repeating old cycles.

I really feel like I have gained self respect, and let go of ideals and things that I once held dear.

It really is a huge shift and the universe is propelling me into my next chapter. I hope I remember this feeling tomorrow.

I can only hope my upcoming PMDD won’t suck me back into the pits and darkness of my mental illnesses.

However , I’ve done it a thousand times and survived. So, I will be confident that I will again.

Thanks for reading ,

Your borderline gal,

Cor